if i can run in heels then i can drive
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
