Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize