I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
