I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
