im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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