K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
