What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize