I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
