my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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