Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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