The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
