Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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