he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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