i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
