jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
