you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
