Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
did you just send me my own nude
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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