Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
