you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Randomize
