Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
