I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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