I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
