So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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