hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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