Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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