Where did you get a picture of my penis
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
we're so committed to being not committed
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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