Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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