i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize