so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
