You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
This girl is more easily done than said...
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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