I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
