Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
