My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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