I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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