Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
