Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he thought i was a dude.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize