i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
