Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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