My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize