I'm laying in your front yard are you home
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
