FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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