i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
