I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
