Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
