Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize