We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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