She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
