My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize