I think I died a long time ago.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
