where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
