I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
