Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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