dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
