I'm so fucking centered right now
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
