if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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