Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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