Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
