I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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