I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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